from pain, to joy

it has taken me 3 months to write this. i started many times but i just could never find the right words or even the courage to say everything i needed to say. this was suppose to have been the best year of my life and i was going to document every single minute. i was living life to the fullest on a quest to find experience joy every single day.

29 was suppose to be amazing.

Perfect.

Joyful.

it was supposed to be...

I am 29 years old.



on september 24th, 2012 at 10:30 am, my mom died. i remember it.

the phone call.

i ran upstairs to Jon as fast as i could and screamed for him to wake. i was shaking. i threw clothes in a bag and we drove as fast as we could to lagrange.

the fear.

we knew everything would be fine. people have heart attacks all the time. mom would be okay. this happens. all. the. time. she will be okay.

the prayers. 

at the hospital dad said it was bad. he said we needed a miracle. i prayed over and over. i prayed for healing. i prayed to just be able to talk to her. everyone prayed. everyone. we had people praying all over the world. god heal her, please. i begged for healing.

the hope.

we were given little hope. if she made it through the night that was good news. i kept praying. i was hoping for a miracle. god can still perform miracles. i put my hope in god to heal her. he can heal her. please heal her god. please.

the sadness. 

she was not improving. she was white. cold. she was dying. my mom was dying. my mommy.

the disappointment.

why would god not heal her. why would he not perform a miracle. did we not pray hard enough. maybe i did not have enough faith. maybe i did not believe and hope enough. all the praying is not working.

the tears.

i cried and cried. we left the hospital. there was nothing more to do. she was gone. we had to figure out what to do next.

the numbness.

we buried her. we picked out her casket and flowers. we drove to the funeral. we drove home. we drove to the grave. we drove home. we did everything we were suppose to do. we came home to athens.

the anger.

i was mad. i was really mad. at god. he did this to her. he took my mom. he did not heal her. God caused this. why did you take my mom, God? why did you take her? Why now? Why her? Why? WHY? why? i just don't understand. help me understand.

help me.

....


the healing.

I am 29 years old and in an earthly sense, I will never get to see my mom again. Saying that is painful. God has been working in me since that day and He continues to heal me. I am still not okay. I am just doing okay. I still cry a lot, but not every day anymore. I do think about mom every day. When I wake up I wonder if she is watching me. I sometimes think about calling her on the phone. I read the letter she wrote me a lot. I smile at her picture. I wish I could tell her and ask her things.

I miss her.

I am starting to understand that God is healing me in His time and in His way. I will probably never understand why this had to happened, but I do understand that God has a purpose. He has a plan. I have hope in Him. He speaks to me. Sometimes, when I am doing normal things, somehow I just know that God is speaking directly to me. I feel Him. I hear Him. everything will be okay.

God did not take my mom. He received her.

He received her.

God received her. God is Love. Imagine it.

There's a stirring in the throne room, And all creation holds it's breath

Waiting now to see the bridegroom, Wondering how the bride will dress

And she wears white

And she knows that she's undeserving, She bears the shame of history

This worn and weary maiden, Is not the bride that he sees

And she wears white head to toe, But only he can make it so

When someone dries your tears
When someone wins your heart and says your beautiful
When you don't know you are
And all you long to see, Is written on His face
Love has come and finally set you free

on that wedding day

She has danced in golden castles, And she has crawled through beggar's dust
But today she stands before Him, And she wears His righteousness
And she will be who He adores, And this is what He made her for

on that wedding day 

when the hand that bears the only scars in heaven touch her face, 

and the last tears she will ever cry are finally wiped away. 

as the clouds roll back as he takes her hand 

and walks her through the gates. 

forever we will reign. 

                                                                                         

                                                                                       - Casting Crowns, Wedding Day

I put my hope in God that I will one day see my mom again. I give Him glory even in this heartbreaking loss. I am trying to stop focusing on what I have lost and instead find Joy in the life and lives she left behind. I am trying.

I will welcome the wilderness and look ahead into Canaan. God help me. Please.

Jon and I bought a camper a few weeks back. I have never really enjoyed camping much...well that is since the time Jon and I went and it was 19 degrees outside and I almost froze to death. I remember that night I told Jon that I was never doing it again. Somehow, he did manage to bring me once more after that. We were in Cades Cove near Gatlinburg and bears came into the camp that night. I don't think I have EVER been as afraid for my life as on that trip!

Anyway, I swore years ago I would never go camping again. And now look at us! We bought this camper in hopes of many things. Number one: That I would not freeze. Number two: That I would not be afraid of the bears. And Number three: That we would make a lot of great memories camping. 

And now today I am happy to say that we I made it! This weekend, we went up to Black Rock Mtn. State Park. Black Rock is in Clayton, Ga - best known for its role in the movie Wonderlust, and unfortunately its black bears (at least per our friends who just went up there earlier this summer). Jon and I are very familiar with Clayton Ga, as we spent many weekends there while we were dating and he was into the "Jeeping" 4 wheeling scene. There are were many riding trails up there back years ago. I do not think there are as many anymore. 

Anyway, so we had a great time. Friday night, we just relaxed. Saturday, we went on a short hike around this beautiful lake....Jon wished he had brought his fishing pole because it was full of fish. We roasted marshmallows and made smores. We did a lot of "resting" and I did a lot of reading. 

It was nice...really nice to just get away for the weekend and not do much of anything but enjoy the beautiful landscape. And let me just say, if you have never been there, you should go. It really makes you appreciate nature and just...life. It was beauty in its purest form. I swear being on top of that mountain with nothing around you but nature, you just feel different. We went to sleep to the sound of crickets for goodness sake! When was the last time you did that? Talk about Joy....let me just tell you, it was pure Joy. I would look around and I could just see God's hand everywhere. 

giggles in the Heart, JOY!

 This is a quote from a blog that I regularly follow. I though it was appropriate for my blog in many ways....

Life in Christ is  a constant, abiding joy.  For me, it’s a life radically different from what I planned,                     praise God!  It’s laughter and delight and love and hope and peace. Consistently. It’s a beautiful marriage  and  it’s wonderful friendships and a happy family and home. And it’s a constant state of awe and gratitude for life. It’s healing and forgiveness. And joy. Deep, abiding, giggles-in-the-heart joy. - Miniature Clay Pot.

I don't know that I could have written that any better.

Lord, help me to choose JOY each and every day. Even those days when I am faced with the most difficult circumstances, fill my heart with the JOY of You. JOY knowing that I will spend eternity in your presence without pain, without suffering. JOY in the anticipation that soon, very soon, I will get to spend every moment in worship and praise. Father, help me to continually feed my heart with Your love and grace, Your hope and peace, Your JOY. 

My JOY this year and forever is Jesus.

i've been bitten

This has been an awful week. AWWWful with a big ol' capital A. I think that sometimes always  usually, I get curve balls thrown at me and I can't seem to hit any because I am still back here on the plate expecting a straight throw. What is wrong with me! This week, I have been bitten by the technology curse...

Let me start by saying that I know that my problems are not anywhere near to what some people face on a daily basis. I totally get that. But right now, in this moment, I am venting!

If any of you know what I do for a living you know that my work laptop and work cell phone are the only way that I get work done. Well last week my laptop broke. I sent it off to get it fixed by our IT department at work and I finally (thank goodness) got it back on monday. I was doin' the happy dance!

Well, Tuesday came and I realized that a lot of stuff that was on my laptop before is now gone. A LOT. Two years worth of stuff. And no I am not talking about all that stuff you can "back up" or whatever...I mean like all my saved "favorites", my printers to every single clinic I go too (that is a lot of printers folks!), and other little stuff like my VZ access for my wireless card, and my scanner, and my personal printer. It is all gone. And I hate knowing that I have to reinstall every single thing. Ughhhh is how I feel. I guess what really irks me about it all was that my PC was not toast. It only had issues with Microsoft Office Suite. How is it that the IT department says they need to reinstall office, and somehow they reinstall me to an entirely different windows software?

So on top of that.... yesterday my brand spankin new work blackberry froze. and crashed. and will not unfreeze. so I spend all of last week without a laptop only to get it back and the other half of me gets broken. I can't make calls. I can't receive calls. I can't do anything on it. Again, so frustrating.

Luckily though a new one should arrive within 5 business days. JOY. There is my JOY!

I promised myself that my last year in my 20's was going to be something to remember. I pomised to live everyday with JOY and really live out this year. Well somebody better put some gas in my tank because I am crawling to a start...

Today I find JOY in knowing that I love my job no matter how inconvenient technology may make it. Today I find JOY in knowing that I saved a patient's insurance from terminating. He needs that coverage and I did it. Today I find JOY in being able to confide in a friend. 

Today, I choose Joy!

Lord, make me a joyful witness to those around me so that I can reflect Your glory.

29 feels so good

Well...it finally arrived....my birthday! 29 feels, well, oh-so-ahhhhhmazing!

So already, I am digging my new age. 

All of the people I love called and wished me a Happy Birthday. 

I love that. 

I really do. 

Tonight, Jon and I went to Square One for my birthday dinner. 

We had a fantastic time. We talked about everything under the sun... (on a side note...Don't you just love having that one person in your life that you can talk about your dreams, your desires, your feelings, your pain, your everything with..that alone was the best birthday gift I could ask for)

He also brought home a brand spankin' never-been-opened movie, The Lorax. 

That was not my only gift, but that was his surprise gift to me.

if you don't already know, I love kids movies. 

I have them all. Really.

So today started my 365 day journey of Joy and I will say it was just grand. 

29 is going to be the best year of my life I can already tell :-)

365 days to Joy

Next week I turn 29 years old.  Twenty-Nine. 

I've been thinking about it all week and honestly, 

I am dreading it. D-R-E-A-D-I-N-G it.

In one year, I will go from saying I'm in my "Twenties" to saying I'm in my "Thirties". 

My twenties sounds so "this-is-the-best-time-of-your-life".

 But thirty so....well, grown up old.

I can remember my parents when they were in their Thirties. 

As a kid, I thought that was old. 

I guess I don't think it is as much old now as I just hate knowing I will finally be to the first age I can remember my parents being. My parents were not physically "old" back then. 

My dad played basketball with us kids all the time, and was probably in better shape than I am in today. But you know, as a kid, your parents are old. 

And now here. I. am. 

29

I have been thinking a LOT about what I want my last year before 3-0 to look like. I know it is so cliché, but I want to do something great this next year. Not just do something, but really do everyday great. I want to purposely decide to be joyful.  

I want my twenties to go out with a bang!

I want my "last year" to be ahhhhmazing!

I want to have fun!

I want to feel alive!

I want to remember every part of this year! 

I want to do everyday with Joy!

I want to experience life every single day.

365 days of Joy!

1. Stop Facebook.

2. Exercise regularly.

3. Hot air balloon ride.

4. Read more. 

5. Find some happiness in every single day.

6. Give more.

7. Go on walks with the dogs.

8. Learn to light a match

9. Help people I don't even know

10. Volunteer somewhere

11. Go on a hike

12. Swim

13. Learn how to back up the boat and trailer

14. Invite my friends over for dinner

15. Cook more, eat out less

16. Go camping

17. Go to the mountains 

18. Take lots of pictures....& actually get some developed

19. Be more intentional

20. Go fishing with the love of my life.

21. Cut down out the criticizing

22. Forgive...let it go and be amazed by what you see through eyes of grace

23. Little Grand Canyon

24. Learn to Fly Fish

25. Go to a UGA football game for the 1st time ever

26. Love more. Love is giving what someone needs the most when they deserve it the least.

27. Make homemade peach ice cream

28. Consider starting a family.

29. Be faithful to Him. 

30. go to Alaska or Yellowstone

and so 29 begins...

joyful.

And we are His portion, and He is our prize, drawn to redemption by the grace in His eyes. If His grace is an ocean we are all sinking. And Heaven meets earth like and unforeseen kiss, and my heart turns violently inside of my chest. I don't have time to maintain these regrets when I think about the way, Oh, how He loves us so. Oh how he loves us, Oh how He loves us.

beautiful tragedy

This is Beautiful!!!

When I read this post I could not help but weep... I am crying because it is beautiful. I am crying because it is true. I am crying because it brings up tragedy in my own life. How did I react? How would YOU react?  It is HARD not to react unGodly in situations like yesterday's shooting massacre. This first thing we want to do is question...

Why?

Why this?

Why me?

Why. Why. Why.

.....change your attitude.

Help me God!

We must push onward like Job. My favorite part if this reading was the pastor's words of wisdom:

Up to this point I haven’t had words to say that would matter. Of course we are all glad that you and the family are safe. Of course we would all state the obvious that this is horrific and senseless. But those words still don’t carry weight that remain in the midst of the questions. Then it hit me… Do you know what the difference was between Job and his wife in their response to the tragedy of losing everything… Job 1:20 Job was the only one that worshiped in the midst of it. Marie, I know your heart and I’ve seen your worship lived out before your family. Before the weight of this becomes unbearable… worship. Your profile pic was not coincidence, not by accident that you changed it on July 15th, but a beautiful foreshadowing of your need to hear the cry of your heart and give Him praise.  

and so it begins

Well we haven't even left yet and we already have a problem...the trailer tire went flat. I guess I might actually say this is good news because its better it goes flat at home than on the road. God has a wonderful way of timing things, right? I suppose I consider this a blessing that He is looking out for us. Jon got it fixed this morning and I started packing our towels and washing the clothes for the trip. We skipped church...and I feel awful about it. We have missed a lot lately and we will miss next week too. Thankfully though, my God is filled with grace and no matter how many times I mess up or skip church he still loves me the same.

summer vacation blues

It's time for another "mis"adventure again! Yes, Jon and I have planned our summer vacation for this month, May 25th to be exact. We are so excited! We are going to the FL Keys and staying in Islamorada in a cute little condo. Normally we don't "do" condos, but this one was really nice and was a great price for the week. This time around, Jon and I are trying to plan really well so that nothing will go wrong, but based on past experience, something IS going to happen. We are taking our little boat with us in hopes of fishing in the ocean and in hopes of catching "The One" big fish! I think Jon really wants to catch a Wahoo...whatever that is....

This reminds me that I never posted about our last vacation. Last September we went on a cruise with our friends. As we anticipated, something bad happened. First, our room REEKED of smoke. They had our room next to a smoking section and it was just a constant smell of cigarettes. The room stuart felt awful and put the Ozone Machine in our room each day to clear up some smell, but really you can't stop smoke.

So while that was more of an inconvenience than a real vacation nightmare, the real nightmare happened when Jon's neck and face swelled up like a Cantaloupe! We thought he was allergic to something so he spent the two days sleeping off Benadryl. But it didn't get better. Poor thing could hardley eat and looked like he gained 30 pounds in his face. When we got home, we eventually discovered that he had a tonsil stone. Yeah, look that one up for a good read!

Not that we had a bad trip or anything, it's just something always happens on every single vacation we go on. This was our "miss"! My hope is that this trip will be different and "miss" free. Only time will tell.... let the count down begin!

Death and dying

My granddad is not doing very well. He fell about a week or so ago and ended up in the hospital. Since he came home he just seems as though he has given up. This has really made me ponder over the past few days what I would be thinking if I was in his situation. To have basically no quality of life, would I really even want to keep living?

God says in the bible that we shall not murder, but I have to wonder when you get to a point in life when you can't do anything for yourself - can't cook, can't get up, can't go to the bathroom, can't get dressed - why is it that God keeps us living? Why can't we just choose to go Home.

Now, in my Granddads case, he is not this bad off. Yes, he needs help with some things, but he is by no means on his "last leg" per se. But at some point he will be, and we have to just trust that God has a plan that is for the best. Maybe it is not to benefit the person dying, but to benefit the people living. We all will admit it is much harder when someone dies out of the blue. It's a shock and it hurts deep. But when someone slowly goes, we are almost relieved to see them stop suffering. Yes, it still hurts deep, but it also feels like a blessing in some ways.

I have told Jon so many times that I don't want to have my life drag on and on unless I can enjoy it. I pray that in my old age I can be healthy and strong, until the moment He takes my hand and walks me through the gates of Heaven. Is that selfish to pray for?

Reading List for 2012

So I know I have not been updating this blog like I should. I just don't have time! Who has time? Well, it seems everyone else does.

My Reading List for 2012:


A Lineage of Grace
A Stolen Life
Choosing to See
Grace for the Good Girl
Oogy
50 Shades of Greay

I know its a short list, but I usually only read about 4 to 5 per year.