29 was suppose to be amazing.
Perfect.
Joyful.
it was supposed to be...
I am 29 years old.
on september 24th, 2012 at 10:30 am, my mom died. i remember it.
the phone call.
i ran upstairs to Jon as fast as i could and screamed for him to wake. i was shaking. i threw clothes in a bag and we drove as fast as we could to lagrange.
the fear.
we knew everything would be fine. people have heart attacks all the time. mom would be okay. this happens. all. the. time. she will be okay.
the prayers.
at the hospital dad said it was bad. he said we needed a miracle. i prayed over and over. i prayed for healing. i prayed to just be able to talk to her. everyone prayed. everyone. we had people praying all over the world. god heal her, please. i begged for healing.
the hope.
we were given little hope. if she made it through the night that was good news. i kept praying. i was hoping for a miracle. god can still perform miracles. i put my hope in god to heal her. he can heal her. please heal her god. please.
the sadness.
she was not improving. she was white. cold. she was dying. my mom was dying. my mommy.
the disappointment.
why would god not heal her. why would he not perform a miracle. did we not pray hard enough. maybe i did not have enough faith. maybe i did not believe and hope enough. all the praying is not working.
the tears.
i cried and cried. we left the hospital. there was nothing more to do. she was gone. we had to figure out what to do next.
the numbness.
we buried her. we picked out her casket and flowers. we drove to the funeral. we drove home. we drove to the grave. we drove home. we did everything we were suppose to do. we came home to athens.
the anger.
i was mad. i was really mad. at god. he did this to her. he took my mom. he did not heal her. God caused this. why did you take my mom, God? why did you take her? Why now? Why her? Why? WHY? why? i just don't understand. help me understand.
help me.
....
the healing.
I am 29 years old and in an earthly sense, I will never get to see my mom again. Saying that is painful. God has been working in me since that day and He continues to heal me. I am still not okay. I am just doing okay. I still cry a lot, but not every day anymore. I do think about mom every day. When I wake up I wonder if she is watching me. I sometimes think about calling her on the phone. I read the letter she wrote me a lot. I smile at her picture. I wish I could tell her and ask her things.
I miss her.
I am starting to understand that God is healing me in His time and in His way. I will probably never understand why this had to happened, but I do understand that God has a purpose. He has a plan. I have hope in Him. He speaks to me. Sometimes, when I am doing normal things, somehow I just know that God is speaking directly to me. I feel Him. I hear Him. everything will be okay.
God did not take my mom. He received her.
He received her.
God received her. God is Love. Imagine it.
There's a stirring in the throne room, And all creation holds it's breath
Waiting now to see the bridegroom, Wondering how the bride will dress
And she wears white
And she knows that she's undeserving, She bears the shame of history
This worn and weary maiden, Is not the bride that he sees
And she wears white head to toe, But only he can make it so
When someone dries your tears
When someone wins your heart and says your beautiful
When you don't know you are
And all you long to see, Is written on His face
Love has come and finally set you free
When someone wins your heart and says your beautiful
When you don't know you are
And all you long to see, Is written on His face
Love has come and finally set you free
on that wedding day
She has danced in golden castles, And she has crawled through beggar's dust
But today she stands before Him, And she wears His righteousness
And she will be who He adores, And this is what He made her for
But today she stands before Him, And she wears His righteousness
And she will be who He adores, And this is what He made her for
on that wedding day
when the hand that bears the only scars in heaven touch her face,
and the last tears she will ever cry are finally wiped away.
as the clouds roll back as he takes her hand
and walks her through the gates.
forever we will reign.
- Casting Crowns, Wedding Day
I put my hope in God that I will one day see my mom again. I give Him glory even in this heartbreaking loss. I am trying to stop focusing on what I have lost and instead find Joy in the life and lives she left behind. I am trying.
I will welcome the wilderness and look ahead into Canaan. God help me. Please.
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