It's begining to look a lot like...Halloween?

Halloween is not my favorite holiday. Growing up, my family really didn't celebrate it. Mom and dad would drive us to our cousin's and grandparent's houses to trick or treat, but we never left the light on at our house. In fact, I can remember even once we were too old to go trick or treating, dad would always say, "Make sure we cut the light off, we don't want any trick or treaters". As I got older, I would drive to church on Halloween. I think I remember "trunk or treating" more so than any real trick or treating. Bottom line, I do not have much experience buying costumes or making my own.

In fact, this year will be the first time in a really long time I have dressed up. We are having a fall festival for work and our Regional Vice President has requested us to dress up if we could. She said we didn't have to, but really, who can say no to the Regional Vice President?

Seriously, right? I have to dress up.

So...

Jon and I went out last night to all the Halloween stores in search of a costume. One after the other the costumes were the same story....how can we make a normal costume be as skimpy and show as much skin as possible! I was appalled! When was the last time you had a nurse look like THIS? I bet there would be a lot more heart attacks in my PCP's office if they did! When I was reading Little Red Riding Hood, I certainly didn't picture THIS!

When did Halloween turn into a time and place for women to dress as sexy and slutty as they have always imagined to be? When did women let this happen? Has this always been going on and I just missed it because my parents sheltered me my whole life? I would love to hear everyone's thoughts on this.

Dear Mom

It has been one year since my whole world changed.

I think about that day all the time. I didn't believe it really happened. It was a dream. I was numb.

Sometimes....
I still don't believe that it's real.

I think you are here. I want to call you. I want to hug you. I want to tell you about everything good..

...and everything hard.

I know that you would not want me sad, or crying. But I just can't help it, Mom.

When I see your picture, it makes me remember how life used to be. When good things happen, it makes me sad that my number one fan is not here to celebrate with me. When hard things happen, it makes me feel frustrated that the person who's advice I most admired and trusted is not there to give it to me.

And yet...

still, I go on.


At first, I could almost still smell you and hear your voice. I could see you.

But now...

as the days have passed, I feel like I am forgetting things.

Your smell.
Your laugh.
Your touch.

am I?

When you were here, you always said we were so much alike.

I hated that. It drove me nuts because who wants to be like their mother!


You were right though. We are just alike. It just took 30 years and you dying for me to know it. Maybe that is why this has been so hard.

You see, Mom, when you died, part of me died too.

the part of me that used to talk to you every single week
the part of me that wanted to make you so proud
the part of me that used to call you for advice
the part of me that loved Christmas shopping with you and dad
the part of me that hated you saying we were just alike
the part of me that wanted your approval for everything
the part of me that knew you were there to listen when no one else would

I miss you, mom.

Right before you died, do you remember how we celebrated my 29th birthday? You and dad came to Athens to visit us. I will never forget that day because it was the last time I saw you.

I had made a promise and determination to spend every minute before I turned 30 in Joy. God had laid it on my heart to start choosing Joy over circumstance because for the first time in my life, I realized that I only had a limited amount of time left. I really thought I could. I was determined. I was excited. I had a list of things I wanted to do. 29 was going to be fun and exciting and amazing.

But..

....God had a different plan.

In one moment, my entire life changed.

 Completely.

I was stripped completely naked, robbed of everything in my life that was suppose to bring Joy and love and good. My world stopped.

and in some cases, my world turned backward.

I was in a painful, complicated, hurtful and awful place where I could not possibly find any Joy.

Why would God want me to be Joyful this year? Why would God take away what could have brought me Joy and replaced it with all sorts of bad. And hurt. How could I find Joy in everything now.

except...

except through something greater

except through God.


Everything had changed except the One constant. The One who is Joy. And Love.

All I wanted for my birthday was Joy and despite all the hurt and pain and difficulty of this season I have went through, I did accomplish my purpose.

You see, it has been in the presence of God that I found my greatest Joy. I have spent more time over the past 365 days in fellowship with Him than I ever did before. I have come to know God better and feel closer to Him in spite of the circumstances in my life.

Your death gave me true life.

Why?

Because when all of this happened, I turned to Him.

I begged Him to save you
I cursed Him for taking you
I questioned Him for the reason why
I turned back to Him to find healing
I thanked Him for the time with you
I put my hope in Him to see you again one day


You didn't know then, and neither did I, but that last day we spent together was perfect. A final gift from God.

It was exactly what I wanted.
It was exactly what God knew I needed.

A while back, I wrote a blog about how I felt like God had me in a season of hard, and how I was looking forward to a new season in life.

Right now, I do think I'm here in a better season.

...But your are still there.

In my mind, you are still part of that season of hurt and hard.

But really though, I know you are no where near hurt and hard. You didn't move with me into this new season because you were received into Heaven for an eternal season of Joy!

Mom, I want you to know that one year later, I am doing okay.
Life is hard. Really, hard. But not all the time.

we have a  wonderful church and church family that I know God purposely and specifically gave us. i have the job of my dreams and you would be so proud of me. we now live where you can see the stars every night. there is so much Joy!

even so..
somedays are better than others
some days I still cry


I want you to know, that although I miss you terribly and, quite frankly, sometimes I really long for you to be here with us, but really, I don't wish you were back here. You are in a far better place than I am. And no matter what part of you I miss or what part of me died when you passed, I would never, ever say that I wish you were still alive.

You made it, Mom.

You taught me that Life does not end here. This is only the beginning. And what is on the other side is so amazing, that it is worth every bit of the pain and hurt and hard that we will go through here.

You made it mom.

I am so happy for you.

I'll see you soon.

My brethren, count it all Joy when you fall into various trials, knowing that the testing of your faith produces patience. James 1: 2-3

For I consider that the suffering of this present time are not worthy to be compared with the glory which shall be revealed in us.   Romans 8:18

its been a hard week

after mom died, everyone told me there would be good weeks and bad weeks. this has been a bad week.

i don't know if it has been because I have been so busy with work. or maybe because we have a contract on our house and we are busy with packing up and fixing things the buyers wanted fixed. part of it could even be that i don't have my number one fan to celebrate all of the exciting things happening in my life. maybe it is because one of my absolute favorite patients at work died this week. maybe all the stress. i just don't know.

whatever the cause, this week has been hard. i have found myself thinking about her all the time. 

like every moment in every hour of every day kind of all the time.

i have cried everyday. waterfalls.

i have prayed every night for God to just let me dream about her. i have asked Him to tell her things. i have begged Him to let me know that she can see me or hear me.

i feel like this is a step back in the healing process.

maybe.

probably not.

i have known from day one that this was going to be painful for a really long time. i just didn't expect it to sneak up on me this week.

please do this for me today:

        pray for me

if you still have your mom, go talk with her about what it was like when she lost her mom. i was a child and did not understand the pain that my mom probably felt. i never asked her how she felt. i wish i had.  

 

I need to vent

I need to vent a little. Now before you continue reading on, I want to make something clear. This is my blog and my opinion. If you do not agree with what I say, then please move on to someone else's blog. I do not comment negatively on your blog or your Facebook page, please give me the same courtesy.

Yesterday a lot of people on FB changed their profile picture to a equal symbol in red. They did this in support of Homosexuals having equal rights in Marriage. While I applaud the idea of making a stance and fighting for what you believe in, I was appalled at the the number of people who say they are Christians who also support this stance.

I believe that the Bible plainly states that homosexual relations are wrong.

Corinthians 6:9-10 – “Do you not know that the wicked will not inherit the kingdom of God? Do not be deceived: Neither the sexually immoral nor idolaters nor adulterers nor male prostitutes nor homosexual offenders nor thieves nor the greedy nor drunkards nor slanderers nor swindlers will inherit the kingdom of God.”

Romans 1:26-27 – “Because of this, God gave them over to shameful lusts. Even their women exchanged natural relations for unnatural ones. In the same way the men also abandoned natural relations with women and were inflamed with lust for one another. Men committed indecent acts with other men, and received in themselves the due penalty for their perversion.”

I believe there is essentially no difference between committing the sin of homosexuality or adultery.
Or lying. Or murder. Or stealing. I believe that we cannot and should not judge sin, but know that sin is sin and it is all evil.

I believe that Jesus says we should love one another no matter what and above all sin.

I do not believe that when Jesus says to love one another above all sins that he is also saying then that it is okay to sin. There is a huge difference.

In John 8, Jesus meets a woman who was caught in adultery. The Pharisees tested Jesus saying the law of Moses says to stone her. Jesus responds by saying, "let the one who has never sinned throw the first stone". Jesus continues to say, "Where are your accusers? Didn't even one of them condemn you?" No Lord, she said. And Jesus said, "Neither do I. Go and sin no more".

Jesus plainly says, "Go and sin no more". I forgive you of your sins. Go on with your life and stop your adultery.

I believe that we should and do love all people, including homosexuals. But homosexuality is a sin and should not continue. Adultery is a sin and should not continue. Murder is a sin and should not continue. Lying is a sin and should not continue. Stealing is a sin and should not continue.

That is why I do not support homosexuality in marriage. I will not support a sin.
This is why I do not support adultery in a marriage. I will not support a sin.
This is why I do not support murder for love. I will not support a sin.
This is why I do not support lying in a marriage. I will not support a sin.
This is why I do nots support stealing in a marriage. I will not support a sin.

I will not support that which is opposite to God.

There are many places in the Bible where God refers to man and woman uniting in Marriage as good.

Matt 19 : 4 - 6

Mark 10 - 6 - 9

There is no place in the Bible where God refers to homosexuality as good. 

I think what hurts the most is for someone on Facebook to say that I am a hater because I disagree with homosexuality. How is that hate? I also disagree with a man have sex with a child. I am sure you do too. Which one is hate? The only difference between what you call hate and what I just compared, is a few years in age.

a few years.

could be one year if the child is 17.

I do not hate homosexuals. I love them the same way a mother loves her child who has done something wrong. She loves her baby in spite of the sin. But as a parent, she would not not say to her child, continue sining, its okay. She would say, I forgive you. Go and sin no more. 

How can Christians see it is a sin written plainly in their Bible, but say they are okay with it? I do not understand this. You cannot pick parts of the Bible to support. Whatever you believe the only important thing is to believe in Jesus. All Born again Christians no matter what side you support will see Paradise. A homosexual who is saved, can also see Paradise. 

If you disagree with me, that is fine, but do not say mean things. I will delete it and block you from my page forever Mr. you should love and support everyone's beliefs. 

Holy Week

Tomorrow marks the beginning of Holy Week/Passion week. It starts on the Sunday before Easter, and ends on Easter Sunday. This is the last week of Lent.

When I decided to fast from something for Lent, in my heart I just wanted to see if I could even do it. You see, I can't recall ever fasting from anything. Ever. Like in my entire life ever. I always admired friends who were Catholic that fasted during Lent. I thought it was just so awesome to be willing to give up something in honor of the Lord. Little did I know then how much of a blessing this would bring me over the past few weeks.

I gave up all desserts and sweets. That's right, no candy, no chocolate, no jolly ranchers, no pudding snack, not even one single girl scout cookie (and that's been hard seeing as how the two boxes I bought have been staring right back at me every single time I open the pantry). I have not touched one sweet item since before February 13th.

At first it was hard. Really hard. Valentines Day was probably the hardest week of all with candy and chocolates floating around everywhere. But after weeks passed it was a little easier. You see, every time I craved a sweet, I would immediately ask God for His help and will power to resist the temptation. And....He did help me.

He helped me the same way all those years ago He saved us all from death. This week marks the week leading up to Jesus's betrayal and death on the Cross. Its a very sad week in one sense. Jesus was crucified in the most horrific way possible being nailed to a cross. He was mocked. He was laughed at. He was stoned. He was beaten. He was betrayed. And then He died.

But in another sense, this is a perfectly beautiful and joyful week. He rose from the grave after 3 days. He took upon my sins so that I am justified in Him and likewise will live eternally. He defeated death. He completed God's plan and purpose. He died for my salvation. Pure Joy.

Jesus is the ultimate gift. Take time this week to reflect on what He did for you in that tomb.

And so our story begins

This has been one of those incredible weeks that I will never forget for the rest of my life. You know what I mean...there are sometimes weeks that are really incredible. I'm not talking about good weeks and bad weeks, or even some great weeks, I'm talking about this week being one of those life changing weeks that we will always remember and talk about. This week will always be part of our story.

So what was so amazing about this week, you ask?

Well...

Remember when I told you that we had a dream to live away from the city, away from the hustle and bustle, away from the noise. A place with acres of land. A place where you could go to sleep to crickets. A place where our children could run, and play, and build tree houses, and forts, and maybe even rock cities. A place where you could smell the grass and the dew on a cool April morning.

A place you can see the stars...

Well, we did it!

This week is the beginning of our dream. This is our story.

Praise the Lord!

To everything...Turn, Turn, Turn

I believe that we all go through seasons in life. Perhaps this particularly hard season I am currently in is coming to a close.

...or perhaps not.

God knows.

Today I was reading about Joseph and his life. He also had very clear seasons of prosperity and seasons of trouble. God had a specific plan for him. 

If you don't remember Joseph's story, here is a quick recap: His brothers hated him and sold him to the Ishmalites. Then Pharaoh purchased him, but amidst this, the Lord was with Joseph and he was very prosperous. Pharaoh saw his prosperity and made him the overseer of his house. One day, one of Pharaohs wives came and tempted Joseph. Joseph, being a good man, denied her. But she went and told Pharaoh a lie and said that Joseph tried to have her. So Joseph was thrown into prison. Some time after, Joseph interpreted Pharaoh's dreams and because of this Joseph was again made leader over Pharaoh's house and all of Egypt. 

When I read these chapters about Joseph, I think of my life. I am going through a particularly hard season right now. My prayer is that this season is coming to a close. 

In Ecclesiastes 3:1, God says, 

"To everything there is a season, and a time to every purpose under heaven". 

In Joseph's own life, he had years of trouble. He was sold by his own brothers and made a lier by Pharaoh's wife and thrown into prison. 

And he had years of prosperity...He was favored by his father Jacob and when with Pharaoh, he was made the leader over the house and Egypt.

Joseph interpreted Pharaoh's dreams to mean that Egypt would have 7 years of prosperity and 7 years of famine. Two drastically opposite seasons.

Why do you think God allows us seasons of trouble? 

I think that God has a message of compassion and unity. God wants us to turn to Him, because when everything around us is failing, He is the only one who is not. 

Jesus says, "When I was hungry, You gave me food, I was thirsty, 

You gave me drink, I was a stranger, and You took me in"

                                                           Matthew 25:35

To me, the part of Joseph's story that stands out above everything is that the Lord was with Joseph. 

"The Lord was with Joseph, and he was a successful man"

                                                                                                         Genesis 39:2

"And he was there in the prison. But the Lord was with Joseph and showed him mercy"

                                                                                                                    Genesis 39:20-21

The Lord was with Joseph during the good and bad. He is always with us. He wants us to turn to Him during seasons of pain and seasons of joy. 

He shows mercy and compassion. 

He shows grace. 

God is Love.