It has been one year since my whole world changed.
I think about that day all the time. I didn't believe it really happened. It was a dream. I was numb.
Sometimes....
I still don't believe that it's real.
I think you are here. I want to call you. I want to hug you. I want to tell you about everything good..
...and everything hard.
I know that you would not want me sad, or crying. But I just can't help it, Mom.
When I see your picture, it makes me remember how life used to be. When good things happen, it makes me sad that my number one fan is not here to celebrate with me. When hard things happen, it makes me feel frustrated that the person who's advice I most admired and trusted is not there to give it to me.
And yet...
still, I go on.
At first, I could almost still smell you and hear your voice. I could see you.
But now...
as the days have passed, I feel like I am forgetting things.
Your smell.
Your laugh.
Your touch.
am I?
When you were here, you always said we were so much alike.
I hated that. It drove me nuts because who wants to be like their mother!
You were right though. We are just alike. It just took 30 years and you dying for me to know it. Maybe that is why this has been so hard.
You see, Mom, when you died, part of me died too.
the part of me that used to talk to you every single week
the part of me that wanted to make you so proud
the part of me that used to call you for advice
the part of me that loved Christmas shopping with you and dad
the part of me that hated you saying we were just alike
the part of me that wanted your approval for everything
the part of me that knew you were there to listen when no one else would
I miss you, mom.
Right before you died, do you remember how we celebrated my 29th birthday? You and dad came to Athens to visit us. I will never forget that day because it was the last time I saw you.
I had made a promise and determination to spend every minute before I turned 30 in Joy. God had laid it on my heart to start choosing Joy over circumstance because for the first time in my life, I realized that I only had a limited amount of time left. I really thought I could. I was determined. I was excited. I had a list of things I wanted to do. 29 was going to be fun and exciting and amazing.
But..
....God had a different plan.
In one moment, my entire life changed.
Completely.
I was stripped completely naked, robbed of everything in my life that was suppose to bring Joy and love and good. My world stopped.
and in some cases, my world turned backward.
I was in a painful, complicated, hurtful and awful place where I could not possibly find any Joy.
Why would God want me to be Joyful this year? Why would God take away what could have brought me Joy and replaced it with all sorts of bad. And hurt. How could I find Joy in everything now.
except...
except through something greater
except through God.
Everything had changed except the One constant. The One who is Joy. And Love.
All I wanted for my birthday was Joy and despite all the hurt and pain and difficulty of this season I have went through, I did accomplish my purpose.
You see, it has been in the presence of God that I found my greatest Joy. I have spent more time over the past 365 days in fellowship with Him than I ever did before. I have come to know God better and feel closer to Him in spite of the circumstances in my life.
Your death gave me true life.
Why?
Because when all of this happened, I turned to Him.
I begged Him to save you
I cursed Him for taking you
I questioned Him for the reason why
I turned back to Him to find healing
I thanked Him for the time with you
I put my hope in Him to see you again one day
You didn't know then, and neither did I, but that last day we spent together was perfect. A final gift from God.
It was exactly what I wanted.
It was exactly what God knew I needed.
A while back, I wrote a blog about how I felt like God had me in a season of hard, and how I was looking forward to a new season in life.
Right now, I do think I'm here in a better season.
...But your are still there.
In my mind, you are still part of that season of hurt and hard.
But really though, I know you are no where near hurt and hard. You didn't move with me into this new season because you were received into Heaven for an eternal season of Joy!
Mom, I want you to know that one year later, I am doing okay.
Life is hard. Really, hard. But not all the time.
we have a wonderful church and church family that I know God purposely and specifically gave us. i have the job of my dreams and you would be so proud of me. we now live where you can see the stars every night. there is so much Joy!
even so..
somedays are better than others
some days I still cry
I want you to know, that although I miss you terribly and, quite frankly, sometimes I really long for you to be here with us, but really, I don't wish you were back here. You are in a far better place than I am. And no matter what part of you I miss or what part of me died when you passed, I would never, ever say that I wish you were still alive.
You made it, Mom.
You taught me that Life does not end here. This is only the beginning. And what is on the other side is so amazing, that it is worth every bit of the pain and hurt and hard that we will go through here.
You made it mom.
I am so happy for you.
I'll see you soon.
My brethren, count it all Joy when you fall into various trials, knowing that the testing of your faith produces patience. James 1: 2-3
For I consider that the suffering of this present time are not worthy to be compared with the glory which shall be revealed in us. Romans 8:18
